Famous Quotes

Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

• A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
• Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.
• At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
• I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
• I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
• I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
• I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
• I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
• I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
• I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
• I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
• I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
• It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
• Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
• My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
• My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
• My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
• My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
• My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
• This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
• We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
• What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
• When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
• With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
• Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'