Famous Quotes

Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

• I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
• I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
• I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
• I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
• I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
• I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
• I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
• I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
• I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
• It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.