Famous Quotes

Quotes by Phyllis Diller

• A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
• A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
• Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
• Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
• Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
• Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
• It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
• Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
• My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
• My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
• Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
• Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
• The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
• The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
• There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
• Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
• We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
• What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
• Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.