Famous Quotes

Quotes by Woody Allen

• As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
• Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
• Eighty percent of success is showing up.
• His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
• I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
• I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
• I am two with nature.
• I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
• I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
• I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
• I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
• I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
• I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
• I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
• I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
• I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
• I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
• I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
• If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
• If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
• If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
• If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
• If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
• It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
• It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
• Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
• Marriage is the death of hope.
• Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
• Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
• My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
• Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
• On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
• Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
• Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
• Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
• The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
• There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
• Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.