Famous Quotes

Quotes by Woody Allen

• I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
• I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
• I am two with nature.
• I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
• I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
• I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
• I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
• I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
• I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
• I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
• I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
• I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
• I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
• I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
• If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
• If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
• If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
• If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
• If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
• It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
• It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.