Famous Quotes

Quotes by Rita Rudner

• A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
• Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
• I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.
• I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
• I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
• I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
• I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
• I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
• I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
• I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
• In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
• Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
• Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
• Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
• Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
• My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
• My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
• My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
• My Vegas act is how I make my money.
• Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
• Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
• Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
• There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
• To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
• We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
• When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.