Famous Quotes

Quotes by Henny Youngman

• A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
• Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
• I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
• I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
• I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
• I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
• I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
• If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
• If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
• Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
• My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
• My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?
• She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
• Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
• The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
• This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
• This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
• What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
• When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.