Famous Quotes

Quotes by Steven Wright

• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
• Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
• Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
• How young can you die of old age?
• I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
• I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
• I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
• I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
• I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
• I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
• I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
• I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
• I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
• I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
• I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
• I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
• I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
• I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
• I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
• I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
• I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
• I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
• Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
• There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
• What's another word for Thesaurus?
• When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
• When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'