Coping after the Birth

Being a new parent means you'll be facing unknown joys and challenges.

09:21 09 June 2009

Being a new parent means you'll be facing unknown joys and challenges. At times you'll sail through and at times the responsibility will seem too much. It's not necessarily easy being a new parent! This article also appears on www.bbc.co.uk/parenting/having_a_baby

So what happens now?

You'll look forward to the support and practical help family and friends can give. Remember you won't get parenting right all the time " go easy on yourself as you learn.

"...spend time together as a new family..."

If people offer to help, make sure you accept if you can. Cooking you a meal, making you a sandwich, taking a load of washing out of the machine and folding it, popping to the shops, putting petrol in the car, making a phone call... Simple things need twice as much organising when you have a new baby, so make the most of any favours people offer.

You will have a support system in place for the first weeks or more:

• Each other " while it's only mums who can breastfeed, partners can share everything else. Spend time together as a new family, learning how to do things your way. New mums without partners, or who for whatever reason don't have their partners around, should try and have family and friends on hand for the first few days.
• Family and friends " it is traditional for family and friends to visit a new baby, but there will be times when your home seems overtaken with visitors. Don't ever feel you have to play host with visitors. It's hard for people to strike the right balance between showing an interest and outstaying their welcome, and you may need to offer them some guidance. Just be tactful " "it's lovely to see you, but I need some sleep now" or make a definite arrangement to see people, if you don't want them to feel they can just drop in.
• Healthcare professionals " midwives visit you at home over the first 10 days or more, in some areas longer. At some point your care is transferred to the health visitor. He or she usually makes at least one home visit. After that, most of the time, you'll see the health visitor at the baby clinic, and you'll be told the times of the sessions. You can usually speak to the health visitor on the phone between visits.

Will I ever sleep again?

Parents often live with tiredness. During pregnancy you may wake due to 'overheating' and restlessness, the need to wee or simply because you can't find a comfortable position to get to sleep. After the birth you'll probably find it will be some time before you get a good night's sleep " your baby may wake and need feeding or comforting, or your body clock may simply be out of whack.

Not getting enough sleep can leave you feeling bad-tempered or unable to cope with simple things that would not normally upset you.

Try some or all of the following to help you get a better night's sleep:

• Share the night feeds " this is not so easy if you're breastfeeding but it's not impossible " try expressing your breast milk so your partner can share the responsibility. If this is not an option, perhaps ask your partner to share getting up if your baby wakes but doesn't need feeding.
• Relax " try to 'switch off' and relax before you settle into bed. A warm bath with relaxing music is a good place to start. A warm drink may also help you to relax before bed. You could also try learning a relaxation technique " your local library or parent and baby group should have details of books, videos or courses you could try.
• Sleep when your baby sleeps " this is sometimes easier said than done... with visitors popping in to congratulate you and the housework piling up. If you can, forget about jobs around the house and leave a sign on your front door letting visitors know you're resting " like a 'polite' do not disturb sign! Alternatively, you could ask a family member or trusted friend to visit and take care of your baby while catch up on your sleep. This way they get to spend time with the baby, visit you and help out!

Feeling lonely

Having a baby means a big change in your social life. Along with the closeness you are developing with your baby you may miss the company of friends. You may feel bored and lonely if you have a new baby " and it can be a great help to make new friends " but how?

"I love being a mum, but I miss adult conversation and activities " I need to get out every day and see people, or I'll go mad. Sometimes, it's hard work to get myself and the baby ready before it's time to go home again, but I still think it's worth the effort."

Ask your midwife and health visitor about networks, clubs and groups of parents, such as the National Childbirth Trust (who have hundreds of branches, and whose branches meet up in smaller neighbourhood groups for social support), baby/toddler groups, breastfeeding support groups, Sure Start groups. Just turn up, or call the organiser to check the details, and to introduce yourself over the phone first.

Q. I can't stop thinking about the birth. I had a long, painful labour that ended in a caesarean section. I don't mind about that " I was glad to get it over with at the time. But I feel there are questions running round in my head, and I keep wondering if things could have gone differently.

A. It might help to talk to a midwife or health visitor about this. You can apply for a copy of your notes from the hospital where you had your baby. Looking at these might clear up some of the things that are puzzling you.